W poszukiwaniu siebie

Sty
06

Każdy z nas udaje się w drogę, w której próbuje odkryć czy też poznać, kim jest i dokąd zmierza. Poznaje wtedy swoje granice i przekracza je. Odkrywa również swoje możliwości. I tutaj okazuje się, że wbrew własnym przypuszczeniom jego granice leżą o wiele dalej. Może więcej.

Czasami myślę, że gdybyśmy do końca wiedzieli, co nas czeka, wielu z nas zostałoby w domu. Kto bowiem tak naprawdę jest gotów na przejście, np. przez ból, odrzucenie, zdradę, cierpienie? Przypomina mi się tu historia uczniów Jezusa, którzy prosili Go o możliwość zostania największymi w królestwie. Jezus nie zbeształ ich, powiedział natomiast: „Nie wiecie, o co prosicie”.

Poszukiwanie siebie jest zawsze powiązane z poszukiwaniem Boga. Bo kto zna prawdę o nas jak nie On! Prawda ta podawana jest jednak cząstkami. Być może całej nie bylibyśmy w stanie pojąć. Nawet cząstką prawdy często się „zadławiamy”. Jak dużo wolności zyskalibyśmy przyjmując tę odrobinę, jako objawienie tego, co właśnie Bóg chce nam pokazać… Ale o tym już pisałam.

W poszukiwaniu siebie i swojej drogi idziemy dalej, szukamy tych, którzy wyglądają na doskonałych, by mogli zostać naszymi nauczycielami, wzorami lub jak to niektórzy mówią „ojcami duchowymi”. Po czym zbliżamy się do nich i widzimy coś więcej niż moc, która nas zachwyciła. Widzimy ich błędy. I przestają być dla nas idealni. Być może dlatego, że dorastamy, albo dlatego, że Bóg chce byśmy je zobaczyli… Uf. To taki proces dorastania. Kiedyś już odkryliśmy, że nasi rodzice nie są tacy idealni; może nie dotrzymują słowa, nie mówią wszystkiego, być może oszukują. Mimo wszystko ciągle pozostają rodzicami. Wciąż nas kształtują. A tu znowu ta sama lekcja po narodzeniu na nowo. Ciekawe dlaczego?

Sama byłam, jestem i pewnie będę na drodze poszukiwań Bożych generałów: bez zmazy, skazy, chodzących w mocy. I wygląda na to, że tak bardzo pragnę doskonałości, że trudno mi będzie z tego poszukiwania zrezygnować.

Poprzyglądałam się ostatnio ludziom, którzy przez 20 lat mieli wpływ na moje życie i do których trafiłam na drodze takich poszukiwań. Tak naprawdę zrobiłam to, by zobaczyć skąd się wzięły moje wady, co można przypisać i które wynikają z ich wpływu.

Przy tych rozważaniach Bóg pokazał mi coś nowego. W każdym z tych ludzi On umieścił cząstkę siebie, żebyśmy mogli patrząc na nich, zapragnąć tego z ich życia. W każdym z nich jednak zostało trochę słabości albo grzechu – jak kto woli – byśmy wiedzieli, że nadal są ludźmi, którzy potrzebują Boga tak jak my.

Czym dalej zaszli, czym większe brzemię niosą, tym bardziej potrzebują bliskości Boga. Po to, żebyśmy oddali Bogu to, co Boskie, czyli chwałę, a nauczycielowi to, co ludzkie, czyli zwykłe poszanowanie, dobroć i miłość? Broń Boże nie, odwrotnie.

Co jednak z wadami? Mamy nad nimi przechodzić do porządku dziennego i modlić się z drżeniem, by nie miały na nas wpływu? Otóż kochane dziewczyny, widząc wady innych dokonujemy wyboru, przebaczamy i oglądamy jak wielką łaskę Bóg im okazuje, więc jakże wielką może okazać nam. Albo też gorszymy się i mówimy: ja nigdy tak nie będę robił, nigdy taki nie będę. A wtedy nasza sprawiedliwość i czyste motywacje przechodzą w religijny zakon potępienia i osądu, w którym bronimy Boga i jego królestwa. Pewnie przyznacie, że samo stwierdzenie w obronie Boga brzmi troszeczkę dziwnie. Czy nie kojarzy się po prostu z krucjatami krzyżowców? A gdzie jest napisane: obroń mnie – mówi Pan? Lub walcz z krwią i ciałem o swoje wartości?

Walczymy więc lub postanawiamy przebaczyć. Wybór przebaczenia okazuje się jednak bardzo trudny. Łatwo przebaczyć, jeśli czyjeś zachowanie tudzież wady nie dotykają i nie ranią nas. Ale jakże prawdziwe jest właśnie wtedy, gdy to my doświadczamy cierpienia.

Mój przyjaciel – skądinąd zakonnik i jeden z pierwszych liderów – pomagając mi zebrać się z dużego rozsypania, powiedział: „Widzisz, znacznie łatwiej nam przebaczać, jeśli coś głęboko nie dotyka naszego serca. Ale czy wtedy ta zdolność przebaczenia sięga do dna serca czy tylko bardzo płytko? A to zranienie, którego doświadczyłaś pokazuje te rejony zła w tobie, w których twoje serce nie jest oddane Bogu, w których nie potrafisz przebaczyć”. To znaczy, że Bóg przez takie sytuacje (sytuacje zranień), odsłania nam wszystkie rzeczy niezmienione w nas, byśmy mogli zrozumieć więcej i zbliżyć się do niego bardziej. Aby to nas zmieniło.

W końcu te rozważania o niedoskonałości, poprowadziły mnie do biblijnych poszukiwań nauczycieli.
Samuel wychowywał się w domu Heliego, który stracił już wtedy Bożą przychylność. Jednak to Heli uczył go jak rozpoznawać Boży głos, a także tego, że ma mówić całą prawdę, którą od Boga słyszy i nie bać się. Ponadto uczył go wyboru zbliżania się do Boga, wtedy, kiedy dotyka go ludzka niesprawiedliwość lub walczy w ciele. Dawid wzrastał w domu Saula, w momencie, kiedy Saul był już dość daleko od Bożego wzorca. Żaden z nich nie powielał wad i grzechów swoich nauczycieli. I nie stał się jak oni. A jednak do końca swojego życia cieszyli się przychylnością Boga. Być może Bóg uczył ich czegoś więcej, np. właściwych motywacji serca kształtowanych przez wybór przebaczenia.

Znajdujemy również przykład innego człowieka: Absaloma, uczącego się u człowieka, który był prawie doskonały – był według serca Bożego. Od kogoś, kto jest pozytywnym biblijnym przykładem. Nawet Jezus jest nazwany synem Dawidowym. Czy Dawid był doskonały? Na pewno nie. Był grzesznikiem; ukradł, zamordował, niejednokrotnie był niesprawiedliwy w swych wyrokach, zawsze jednak całym sercem kochał Boga i powracał do niego.

Absalom jednak skupił się nie na tym, co pokazywało Boga w Dawidzie, a na jego wadach i grzechach. Jako doskonalszy wziął sprawy w swoje ręce (zaczął bronić Bożych zasad). Przez to najpierw stracił właściwe motywacje, a potem stwierdził, ze już czas przejąć królestwo, gdyż z pewnością jest to Bożym planem.

Królestwo Boże ma jednak swoje prawa i zasady, i może nie trzeba go bronić.
Bo może w tym wszystkim nie chodzi o to, by nazbierać sobie doskonałych nauczycieli, ale stać się uczniem i to nie doskonałym a uczącym się, np. przebaczenia czy też łaski. Uczniem, który wie, że sam nie musi się bronić, że musi oddać prawo do obrony (tak jak zrobił Dawid, kiedy uciekał do Machanaim). Uczniem, który zna prawo pokuty i miłości, czy też uczniem, który nie widzi potrzeby pokonywać tych, których Bóg gdzieś postawił.

Zawsze się zastanawiałam, dlaczego Dawid nie zabił Saula, przecież dostał nawet takie proroctwo: „Pan dał go w twoje ręce” A może nie chodzi o wychodzenie przeciw namaszczonemu, które stałosię sloganem używanym do straszenia albo do znudzenia, ale o zrozumienie prawa przebaczenia i łaski, które nie tylko mówi, że to Bóg zaczął w życiu Dawida i to on może zadecydować, że już czas na koniec i tego nie rozpoznał Absalom. Bóg także zaczął w życiu Absaloma i pomimo jego niezbyt dobrych wyborów i rozgoryczenia w jakie popadł tylko Bóg miał prawo to życie zakończyć. I wtedy właśnie łaska miałaby szansę triumfować. A może inaczej potoczyłoby się życie Absaloma, gdyby nie gniewna ręka, która je zakończyła? Od zrozumienia tego zależy doświadczenie przebaczenia i łaski w naszym własnym życiu.

Być może też, to właśnie okazanie łaski i jej doświadczenie, są jedyną drogą do znalezienia siebie. Jednak zrozumienie tego, daje tyle wolności do życia, zrzuca wysoką poprzeczkę; mogę być przez Boga powołana, mogę być wciąż niedoskonała, popełniać błędy, a On nie zrezygnuje ze mnie. Nawet jak moje kroki w smutku prowadzą mnie na krańce ziemi i tak On tam będzie. Czy tak nie jest lepiej? Tak wiem, tak jest też trudniej, ale może warto…

iza

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